Mary Kay and I have been married 29 years as of today. The years have sped by. They have been good years, filled with four children, soon to be five grandchildren, twenty-three years of Christmas programs at Mansfield Christian School, one hundred forty-eight birthday parties (not counting grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, or friends), and now 29 wedding anniversaries. Allow me to state publicly what I have often said privately, "I'm the luckiest man on the earth!" My personal journal this morning contained this profound prayer: "Thank You, Thank You, Thank You!" Besides the salvation of my soul, Mary Kay is the greatest gift God has given to me.
While I know there are many who successfully enter into the ministry as a single person, I can't imagine doing what I do right now without Mary Kay by my side. Learning how to negotiate the treacherous waters of the marriage relationship is the best baptism possible for the role of the executive pastor overseeing a large staff. I don't know that everything I've learned in marriage applies to the exec. position (such as "divorce is not in our vocabulary, but murder is always an option"), but here are six concepts that has served me well both in marriage and at work.
1. We may be saying the same thing, but we're not speaking the same language. Communication is the first challenge in any relationship - at home or at work. You may be like me in that you think if you say something in a different way, use different words, say it louder, say it more often, say it softer that you'll be able to communicate better. But the truth of the matter is this: I communicate best when I'm listening.
2. We don't always see things my way. No sweat, right? Because I'm the husband, I'm the head of household so all tie breakers go my way. It seems like it would be so easy to pull the authority card at work too. I'm the boss: my way or the highway. How easy it is to forget that we are to submit one to another, that the greatest shall be the servant, the first would be last. How do I show my greatest love to my wife (or to my staff)? Love her the way Christ loves the church.
3. Will the real us please be seated and will the fake us find the exit! Authenticity is the key to a comfortable life in marriage and, I would submit, in the workplace too. I am so glad I can just be myself with Mary Kay. It's so great that she can be real with me. With our fake barriers gone, we can quickly get to the root of whatever our problems are. The same is true at work. It may take a little longer to feel safe with "the real me" at work, but it's so worth it when we can get there.
4. Let's not pretend to be nice and learn to fight fair. You might have gathered that I'm not much into pretense. There are times when I have caused Mary Kay to be angry. And as hard as it is to believe, she has made me mad a time or two. Now I know all the talk about no one can "make" me angry but me. That "fact" has never seemed to help me much. What has helped a great deal is the concept of fighting fair - keeping the argument on track, not dredging up past hurts, and most importantly being quick to forgive and forget. That's so much better than carrying around suppressed feelings. The real question at work is this: can we have the same safety boundaries as in marriage? Can we learn to "fight fair" and know that "forgive and forget" is the standard operating procedure?
5. Problems will not go away if we just ignore them long enough. The truth is they usually become worse, sometimes much worse if not addressed. Acknowledging a problem exists and that we need help is a big first step to getting the problem solved. The same is true at work. Do we ignore the obvious elephant in the room hoping he will sit in someone else's lap? Especially if you are the exec. in your church, you just got to know that your chair is the specially designated chair for every elephant problem in your church. Most of the time you won't be able to make the problem go away for peanuts. Acknowledge, seek help, set goals, design plan, seek help, work the plan, seek help, celebrate results.
6. Finally, you might guess from #5 that seeking help is an important key in my personal plan of marriage success. I'd love to tell you that in 29 years of faithful marriage, praying, Bible study, and keeping Christ the center, that we've never had a problem we couldn't handle on our own. I'd love to tell you that because deep inside I'm naturally filled with pride. But it wouldn't be true. We've needed help from time to time. I've learned that the occassional advice of a good marriage counselor has been just exactly the right help we've needed to make our marriage even better. That same pride tells me that I can handle any problem that comes my way in the exec. office. The truth is that I need as much help at church as I've ever needed at home. Pride is my enemy. Humility is my friend, the key to unlock that simple question I'm hesitant to ask: "Will you help me?"
There you have it: six keys I've learned in marriage that help me in the executive pastor's office. I probably could mention a seventh right now... put the blog away before entire night is wasted. However, I'm not exactly sure what the work application would be there!